Lately I have been very tired. Probably because my darling tick-infested dog sent one of his spare ticks my way - bless him. It was about three days before I found my own pet parasite embedded in my wrist. Two weeks later, I headed to the doctor because I was feeling like crap, and I tested positive for Lyme disease. Oh well...the dog is not really the point of this, but more the cause. The cure was antibiotics.
So, I am very tired in the evenings and tend to sit slumped watching other people being energetic on my behalf -God I love televised sports. But by chance the Inside Edition show was on in a break between sports, and I probably couldn't find the remote...or else it was on the top of the TV where my darling wife tends to store it (which, I maintain, kind of defeats the purpose really)...anyway I digress.
Inside Edition is on and they are about to unveil one of their groundbreaking investigative journalism shows, so I perk up a little. George Bush caught obeying the law? Guantanamo Bay Torture Techniques being reclassified as Scuba Diving lessons? Who knew? But my tired frame certainly livened up a tad.
And then came the teaser...the bit before the ads that is supposed to prevent you jumping ship to another channel...and I was amazed to hear that they were going to "Blow the Lid on Sushi!"
Huh? Sushi fraud? Were they kidding? In a country where 47 MILLION people do not have any health insurance, they were going to investigate the sale of raw fish to people who - to my mind at least - deserve to be poisoned for being poseurs. Sushi is the sort of cuisine that was clearly invented by someone like me - terminally lazy in the food department.
"What's for supper, Dad?"
"Dunno," I reply, "What's in the fridge?"
"Nothing. Oh, wait...there's some fish of some sort. Looks disgusting."
"Nonsense. I'll slice that up really thin and I bet it will be delicious."
"Dad! We can't eat RAW fish!"
"Sure you can. It's big in Japan. Plus there's no pots to wash up. I'll finish up the leftovers from the roast Mum cooked yesterday. You two have the sushi, I'll make do with the cold lamb."
Now, it may be no accident that futons were also invented in Japan - presumably again by someone who is as lazy as me around the home. A futon is a bed that clearly fits my model of housework: First off, they are so bloody uncomfortable that you don't want to even go to bed, so there is the first chance to avoid making the thing in the morning. Second, even after you have spent all night tossing and turning on the damn things, there is nary a depression or dimple. They are sort of like a Claes Oldenburg rendering of a Jacob's Cream Cracker in fabric - making the bed consists of flipping them over once a year.
Flipping them over once a year actually brings to mind the third thing about Japanese culture that I might have taken credit for... geisha girls, but I digress, and must get back to the pressing problem of RED SNAPPER FRAUD!
It transpires that this ahem...fraud is widespread, which after I watched the show I am not surprised about on several counts: First, no-one can taste the difference between Red Snapper and Tilapia - apart from a handful of really posy pricks who almost certainly have health insurance as part of their benefit package; second, red snapper costs over $30 a pound - whereas Tilapia is about $3 a pound; and third the poor schmoes who worked in the restaurant clearly didn't know that they were "perpetrating a fraud on the sushi eating public." When confronted by the fearless journalist (who had just spent god-knows how much having the raw fish DNA tested to establish its specie - not red snapper) the restaurateurs, to a man (or woman in one case) ran down to their refrigerators and came back proudly bearing aloft a packet of the fish in question and chanting "Lead Snapper! Lead Snapper!" Whereupon the journalist flipped the packets over and pointed out the label on the back that clearly read "Tilapia."
The expression on the faces of the poor buggers as they read out loud like beginning readers: "Tirrappia? ....Oh? ...Not lead snapper? ....Oh? I just found out today..." was just depressing.
Anyway, there you have it. I had McDonalds for lunch I shudder to think what they would discover if they DNA tested the contents of my Big Mac...